You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
