I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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