It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
