dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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