What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
