I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
