Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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