Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Alive.
So much puke
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize