standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
