The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I didn't notice because vodka
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
