Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
