eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
