I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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