i just wanna soil my oats bro
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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