There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
