i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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