If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
