god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
