Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
