the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
