my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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