I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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