Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
