walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
