why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
