We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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