I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
