Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
