this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
