wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
