Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
