The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
