so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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