I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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