Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
