i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
