I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
