last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
