you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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