you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
