come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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