Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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