That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
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i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
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They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER