textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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