i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
