I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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