Betty ford says i'm here all night
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
