I wish my penis had an off switch
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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