he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
