my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
