i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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