apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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