Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
