When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
