I wanna passion pit in your ass
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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