I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
