broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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